Within us dwells an unconscious level of self that - for the most part - doesn't like anything that it sees. This helps explain why it spends as much time as it does remembering the things it doesn't like in our partner. If we want our relationship to grow beyond the limitation inherent in the view of our unconscious nature, then our task is clear: we must choose to illuminate this negative nature, and part ways with it.
The more we study the wisdom of this next insight, agreeing to embrace the truth it reveals, the more we will find ourselves with the power we need to shatter the punishing pattern of negativity before it begins:
The instant we become aware of any negative thought or feeling wanting us to embrace its agitation - not only must we drop it on the spot, but we must also drop any familiar sense of self that has appeared with it in that same moment. Here's a short illustration that shows why we must detect and then reject this false identity.
Imagine you're walking down the street, maybe after dinner, and you're window-shopping with your partner. Things couldn't be nicer, and you're feeling a quiet sense of gratitude for all that life and love have given to you. Then he says, out of the blue, something like: "You know, I've been thinking about it, and we really need to cut down on our expenses. Say what?
In less than a heartbeat, gone is that contented sense of yourself - the "you" that just a moment before didn't have a care in the world. It's been replaced by a smoldering sense of discontent with your partner as well as "the whole situation!" You've gone from being mild Dr. Banner to the angry "Hulk," and the only one who sees this terrible transformation is your partner, who suddenly wishes he were anywhere else but standing next to you! Here's the point of this illustration:
Not only weren't you feeling anything like a "Hulk" before his ill-conceived words were spoken, but neither did there exist that agitated sense of yourself that's now advocate for, and defender of some aggressive negative state!
This false sense of self is now in charge. In such moments - being now unconsciously identified with a host of negative thoughts and feelings - whatever they oppose, you do too; their nature has become as your own. They call the shots: cruel things are said; actions soon regretted are taken. And yet, the only power this painful pattern has to keep you in its grip comes from but one place: your identification with the negative forces that are keeping it in play. So, rather than saying "I" to these unconscious parts of yourself that want to justify being negative... say goodbye to them instead. Choose to snap the spell of this false sense of self by deliberately dropping any dark inner dialogue it may be trying to drag you into as to "why" you have to set things straight. Be vigilant with this new kind of inner resolve and you'll soon see your negative state - and the false sense of self that embraces it - fade away. Their disappearance is the same as dropping the painful pattern that they were trying to keep alive.