First, let me tell you, without doubt, there is a way out of this condition that now holds you captive. But it is not an easy fix; there is no "magic bullet," and there is no one to turn to but yourself for the work that needs to be done if you want to shake free of this sense of futility. It has taken you quite some years to fall into this state that now consumes you, and it will take some time to make full rectification. But, again, there is a way... and you have made a good start by coming into contact with a source of true and right ideas; you must have new knowledge if you want to change these tortuous old perceptions of yourself that are dragging on you.
However, new ideas alone are worthless unless we act upon them. So, I must tell you that it's one thing to want to be free, and another thing all together to do the work to set yourself aside in the moments that matter most. You have joined the web school guyfinleynow... use it. Go to it. Go into and through it, studying all that's available there. Instead of sitting around and feeling stuck, dig! Work for yourself. Here's where to start... and if you will do this much I promise you that you will at least have a chance to see the next step in releasing yourself from this present hell.
Refuse to listen to the parts of you that want to convince you of your worthlessness, of your shame, of your hatred towards those blamed for the way you feel. The way you feel at any given moment is born of what you "hold" in your heart and mind... much as when you hold a warm cup of tea you feel the radiant heat and smell the herb. And nothing in the universe has the power to "make" you hold something in your heart and mind that you don't want to; your attention is your own. The problem is that you don't know this yet, and that you haven't done the interior work to realize it to the extent that you're able to choose to live the truth you know.
Living the truth we know requires "flexing" our spiritual muscles that have grown flabby due to letting others do our work for us.... as evidenced by your current situation. So, for now, each time you find yourself falling into some emotional or mental funk over what has happened to you in the past (and your pain doesn't even exist without a part of you putting a cup of bitter past in your hands), use the mounting sense of falling, of despair, to immediately awaken to your interior situation and drop the cup. Put down these dark thoughts and feelings on the spot. In other words...
Drop the "you" right there and then that doesn't know who "you" are without someone to blame for how you feel.
Drop the "you" who has been done wrong.
Drop the "you" who projects some pain or darkness without end in favor of the true you that cannot, would not ever consent to be held captive by any unconscious state.
You can take these small steps, and must if you want to start seeing the nature of the prison you're being held in. It is made of thoughts and feelings only... states that feel as real as they do because you have unknowingly strengthened them, over time, by resisting them (instead of just releasing them).
All right... it's time to take back your life; just get started! No excuses. And if and when you catch yourself in the past again, having been picked up and brought there by a part of you that tricked you into feeling tormented again, just drop that cup of captive thoughts and feelings. Choose to quietly bring your attention back into the present moment where you will, perhaps for the first time, be made aware of this fact: there is a part of you that can't wait to revisit the past... to start, once again, reliving what's wrong with you (as seen through the eyes of whoever it may be). But if you practice setting this suffering self down, there will be a new you present to its painful preference to relive the past, and you will also know that you don't have to go there with it.
Above all strive to catch the contradiction in your heart and mind that, on one hand, wants nothing more than to be free but, on the other hand, feels as though there's no way, or it's "too hard." The part of you that gives you these sentiments is the same part of you that is stealing your life from you. Take it back!
You can succeed. Take one step at a time, and ask the Divine, as you understand it to help you... not once, but one hundred times a day. Then work to make the freedom you long for something you are.
