The lesson here (albeit a bit unpalatable for now) is that there is a real difference between knowledge and being; the former is intended to be only a ladder to another level of self that doesn't look for itself in any exterior condition, while the latter knows, without thinking, that it is always right where it needs to be to continue its true spiritual growth.
The sadness you feel belongs to the part of you that now realizes it never knew, never had the "power" it imagined... and wants to hide itself from you so that you don't walk away from it (yourself).
There is another kind of happiness that awaits anyone who will walk away from their disappointments (and anger) that comes only with seeing that they have never been these dark states, their demands, or the self that serves as their unconscious instrument.
Persist... you are near an important discovery, but only if you remain in the world of seeing what is... instead of rejecting and resisting what is not.
