I have been trying so hard to meditate and to see myself as I truly am. I just can't help but wonder if I'm doing it right? I worry that I won't get it right before my body dies and then I won't be able to enter the kingdom. If God is a loving God then why would he make it so difficult to reach Him? What if I can't figure out what He wants of me? Do I go to hell because I didn't do what was needed for God? I'm so confused and I just want to know if I am on the right path. Any help is appreciated.
Don't be discouraged. The kind of confusion you are experiencing about the nature of the kingdom of heaven, and how to navigate your way there is both necessary and natural at certain stages of a person's spiritual development.
The big problem that faces the aspirant, the man or woman who would follow their heart of hearts back to their true Father's home, is that -- at present -- our senses, and the inherent sense of self that it produces, are so outwardly oriented that we are almost incapable of sensing our own interior life.
Christ said, "the kingdom of heaven is within." Also stated is the virtually timeless truth, "know the truth, and the truth will set you free." In these two ideas we find a singular understanding: we must not only do the difficult interior work of reorienting our attention -- so that our awareness is never apart from what is the touch of life constantly stirring us -- but we must also stand as witnesses to what is revealed (within us) as a result of "God's touch."
If you persist with your wish I can promise you that one day you will see --for yourself -- that it isn't God that has made it difficult for us to return home. Rather, the difficulty lies within our presently unconscious relationship with ourselves -- with all the parts of ourselves (some of them that prefer to live in the darkness). This is why the work that we do to grow and enlarge our self-knowledge is synonymous with learning the truth about ourselves that sets us free. Think of any truth that you have ever discovered about your self (that no one else knows) and then try and see how -- once you stood in the light of that new understanding -- you were no longer required to stand underneath what dominated you before the birth of that new realization.
Our task is to remain as true as we can to whatever love we have within us for the life of God -- and refuse to substitute anything for it, including whatever suffering we must go through for the sake of that love. If we are true in this way, if we work in a steadfast manner to see and understand --through direct awareness of it -- our own interior worlds, we will (as a result of our willingness to be true to our wish) find within us, accordingly, the kingdom (and all of its "mansions").