Principles for Perfecting Relationships
Principles for Perfecting Relationships
  • Posted: April 13, 2003
  • 610 words
Key Lesson

Part I: The only medicine guaranteed to help heal the common conflict that flares up between ourselves and another is our willingness to realize, explore, and then release our own negative reaction to what we believe we see as being the other person's transgression.

Part II: The assumption is that when your words or actions set me off, then my irritation is only the effect of having to tolerate your ignorance of my superior understanding, else you would never challenge my thinking. While the truth is that real wisdom can neither be injured nor inflamed, and only one's imagined intelligence is quick to ignite when struck!


Between our known negative reactions towards those who we perceive to have offended us, and that healing unknown Love that restores us to the truth of each other, is hidden a kind of conscious changing ground... an inner realm whose entrance is gained by willing intention to Love, and whose sanctuary is won through self-sacrifice.

Have you ever been so upset, so disturbed by someone, that if you didn't lash out at them, you were sure the whole world would come crashing down on you? When you and I get upset with someone or life, our attention is instantly glued onto the source of our irritation. All we do is think about the irritation we have and how it's connected to what someone else has done.

When you're upset with someone or something, you have no consciousness of yourself at all. You are only conscious of what you say he, she, or it is making you feel. You are completely outwardly oriented in order to justify your inward excitement.

At the moment you see a person or an event as being responsible for this irritation, what you are actually seeing is your experience of the moment. So really what you're experiencing isn't the person, but the content of your own past experience in its narrow confines.

This is the moment where it becomes possible to access the Truth (Love) by reversing your attention. Instead of placing all of the "consideration" on the person outside of you, turn your attention around and place your awareness entirely on yourself. Stand fast in the light of what you see about yourself before you turn that light on another person. Before you talk about the mote in that person's eye, take the beam out of your own. Instead of lashing out, come aware of your own reaction, and as best you know how, simultaneously drop the reaction by reversing your attention in the moment that you're upset.

We can find an apt spiritual metaphor for this exercise in the movie "Zorro," where there is a swordsman's circle that Zorro instructs his disciple about in this way: "Stay in your circle. Don't go outside the circle for any reason whatsoever, because if you'll stay in your circle, what you need will come to you, and then because you have remained in your circle, you will be able to deal with it on your terms."

Not going outside your circle means staying in the space of your own life. Leave the other person's space alone; it's not your business. They can't learn the lesson their space provides them (and the truth that's there) if you are in their circle, pushing on it. (And what's more, the only reason you are in their circle is because you can't bear being alone in your own!) Stay in the circle, don't go out, and you'll see that fantastic things happen. If you would learn to serve Truth first before you try to straighten out each other, then in the very attempt to do that, you would be given the Godly life that you are intended to have.

How do you serve Truth first? By daring to intend this Truth, intend this Love, intend the understanding you have, and as you intend it, be willing to stay in that spot where you can't find who you are and you can't say who the other person is. Then Truth tells you everything, because you've placed yourself where it's possible for Truth to make the connection with you. This raises you instantaneously to a new level, to the Truth that always had been waiting for you inside of your experiences with others.

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