I have difficulty with the simplest of decisions, so very large ones -- which become laced with all kinds of interesting details and coincidences -- occupy enormous amounts of my energy and time. Do you have any helpful insights into these stressful moments of having to make decisions?
Decisions, by definition, are difficult... otherwise there would be no need to go through "choosing." So, if we can (and will) decide to look at the question of "having to make decisions," what we see is that the real problem isn't what we decide to do, but that we aren't certain of the best path for us. And this is perhaps why we keep coming to moments of difficult decisions...
It's like a person searching for a way to get back home -- having to make this and that decision, over and over again that he or she thinks will relieve them of the anxiety they always feel -- and then one day discovering they don't know where their home actually is. And that's why all their choices up to that point have resolved so little (if anything).
The level of heart and mind we live from at present is a kind of machine fueled by desire. And desire, as you know, always arises to want "this" in order to escape "that." We don't see this contradiction, this conflict in us as it is... but we do feel the negative effect of trying to serve two masters.
So, if this is clear at all, what we are brought to see (and therefore do) is to choose to be free of this unconscious nature.
This new "choice" doesn't mean we don't want things; that's impossible. But it does mean that our first choice -- our path of decision under all conditions, good and bad -- is to treasure self-discovery, self-awakening. Because without this choice coming before all others -- one that can be difficult, but never undermining (as are our choices to escape the effects of being asleep to ourselves) -- then it isn't we at all that are really doing the choosing. It is our conditioning, our body of desires searching, again, for a way to resolve its inherent conflict.
When we have seen that these things I've just described are true, then (and accordingly) the decision about "what to do" over this or that is not so painful anymore because -- although we will have to make some choice -- the outcome of that choice matters little to us anymore. Why? Because we have chosen in favor of what is timeless... and compared to what is timeless, all else is "little things."