I want you to know one thing -- and I want you to know that this is true (what I'm about to tell you), regardless of any thoughts or feelings in your head or heart that would have you believe otherwise: It is not only possible for you to make a new start in life, but your growing unhappiness and dissatisfaction with your present physical and psychological condition is the evidence that there is, indeed, a great part of you that wants to come out from underneath this burdensome addiction.

There is no question that you will need support -- in whatever form this requires. If there are local clinics (services that are supplied to individuals living under your circumstances), then by all means seek whatever genuine medical assistance they may be able to lend you in this time of transition. And even though it may seem temporarily loathsome to you, find a local support group for addicts like yourself.

But far more important than this is that you do the necessary spiritual, interior work to collect and make conscious within yourself the new understanding you will have to call on every time things go dark for you... as they necessarily will have to do while you walk out of this valley of having made yourself a victim.

Use the resources available on my website as often as you possibly can to study the topics that apply to your present torment. The more understanding you can gain about the actual nature of what has produced this pain and problem in your life, the freer you will be to respond properly to it each time it invites you back into its hell.

Persist with your wish to be free. Ask God (as you understand Him) to help you help yourself -- with whatever and in whatever way presents itself -- out of your present darkness. Then look for this light that will come from Him, and walk towards it regardless of what anything in you tells you will happen to you as a result of choosing in favor of this light. God will do the rest. Take the next step. My thoughts are with you.