If regret is the act of a divided nature that keeps itself in place by regretting itself, then remorse is pain that nullifies this false sense of self. And that is why remorse is so rare -- and why it is so holy. It is written: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, those who mourn for the sake of righteousness..."
What is the best way to make up for wrongs you have done in the past to others (betraying, lying, stealing, etc.)?
All of us have wronged others. Truth be known, until we wake up, we are all, in one form or another, in some kind of wrong relationship in life. That is why the key to correcting what we consider to be a faulty past is to work to be awake in the present. The wrong parts of us want to keep themselves alive by continually dragging before our mind's eye all that we have been wrong in doing. Then we react to these images and resist them. All this unconscious act accomplishes is to secretly continue the life of this mistaken perception and the wrong behavior it perpetuates. Drop all your concerns for what is no longer, and be intent on being conscious of what is before you. This changes things.
What about the idea of repentance? On one hand, being repentant for ourselves -- as certain old religious teachings say we should be -- seems as much a part of being self-punishing as is just "cutting loose," going wild, and then feeling terrible afterward for our reckless actions. Is there a true repentance beyond this idea of just living full of regrets that change nothing?
Let me offer this: True repentance has nothing to do with any ideas or images we may hold about ourselves as either being "bad" or "sorry" for what we have done. Real repentance is an unmistakable, instantaneous moment of insight where we see, to our shock, that something untrue, un-joyful, and self-destructive has been living our life and getting us to call ourselves, and know ourselves, by its presence. Lastly, this shock -- and what it brings -- leads to the birth, or the discovery, of a new kind of inner peace that has no opposites.
I find myself being sorry all the time -- sorry for what I have done and sorry for myself -- but nothing seems to change, no matter how badly I feel. Is there no power for self-change in repentance?
Yes, there is. But when we do something wrong or hurtful to another, we are mostly sorry only for what we think our misplaced action may have cost us. Our sadness is over what we fear we have lost, including precious flattering self-images. The sorrow that leads to letting go and to true change of being is never over what we have lost, but that we are lost.
When I engage in an argument with someone that I know is hurtful, but barrel through it anyway... and then feel sorry for my part, is there any value in that belated remorse?
First, we have to understand there's a difference between regret and remorse. Regret is always that I didn't live up to the image that I have up myself in that moment. And I'm comparing what I did to who I think I should be. I regret that. That changes nothing at all. Remorse, on the other hand, is the deep awareness of my own powerlessness. That's where real prayer starts. So remorse is the awareness of powerlessness, and that awareness of powerlessness is the "aha" that follows the moment that you missed. Our work is to move, as it must. How are we ever going to get over this idea that we're perfect? No, we are the ground of the revelation of perfection, but this instrument, this body, this mind, these sentences are so far from perfect other than in their perfect ability to be the expression of the marriage of this. I'm in pain because I'm a mess. I mean, I'm working, studying for years, and I still find myself in some frustration. God, what a wreck I am. Know how you love to listen to something in you that can't wait to condemn you? But the "aha" is the recognition that I've been condemning myself, regretting myself for all this time, and not one thing has changed for all that pain. Why? Because it's useless pain. The revelation of useless pain turns useless pain into something that produces "aha." Then you've got something.
Is there any value to clearing away the wreckage of the past? It seems to help, yet I feel wrong in trying to correct so many wrongs that are behind me.
The wreckage of the past exists only in the thoughts of the self that keep it alive. Work to make things right in the here and now. Come awake to the pain in rehashing regrets and you will see yourself revisiting the scene of a "crime" long past. These scenes are the nightmares created by a sleeping self and are kept alive by remaining asleep to yourself. Learn to prefer your fresh awareness of the new moment over your frustrating memory of moments gone by. Do this special kind of inner work and the healing you want will follow, which includes the healings necessary with, or in, others. This is a spiritual law.
